Shattered thoughts. (hush hush, don't cry)
Nov. 12, 2002 ] 10:01 AM
Omissions speak louder than words. A deafening silence. A fusillade of emotions that batter the door of the psyche.

I broke down twice in as many days. Over the weekend, I made my final goodbyes to Capt. I hope he stops reading this for good. A real farewell. He has been so much a part of my life that I feel lost now. My stability has shattered, everyone spilled out when I was most vulnerable.

(Why are men so easy to ab-use? To manipulate? A few tears, a few smiles, a trim figure with boobs, and they fall into your lap to be shrugged off later on. Poor Capt. She feels so guilty. She feels so guilty. She feels so guilty. [mock mock])

(I miss my mommy.)

Omissions hurt. I need to write this down. I need to get condemned and stoned by far better people. But no one truly good will cast the first stone?

What did I not say?

I thought the break up was temporary, while I sorted things out in my head. I needed to explore other venues but I couldn't do it while being faithful to that one man. It got suffocating. It got tiresome. I needed to think. Read between the lines of that entry. I sincerely thought we would get back together. I wouldn't find someone else. I wouldn't like someone else. I wouldn't even stop loving the Capt.

I was telling the truth then. If I said it now, I would be lying. And that's all I have to say at this point in time. But an astute reader will be able to guess, won't you? But things have taken a darker turn than that.

Where are my pretty morals? My high and mighty self-pride? Lost in the dust as I grovel to make sense of life.

(Where are you? You run off. You need to do work. You need to break that loop and feed it to the fishes.)

I wish I wrote down that entry about Mage's girlfriend and her theory on life. It would have reminded me that I have a long way to go to be the Little Miss Perfect I strive to. The perfect doll behind a glass pane.

(Little Miss Perfect [mockmock])

(It hurts, everything hurts. I need to let it all out. Blood spilled is the fastest relief.)

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