I am typing this trying to focus on stopping this inertia, this spacing out, this blanking out, this drugged state I fall into with no external stimuli. He hates it because it is usually preceded by a maniac or depressive episode, which debilitates me, and I fall into hibernation.

A sort of solitary withdrawing into myself. I just lie there and my eyes by turns focus and unfocus, my limbs are so heavy, I am a marionette puppet thrown onto the floor, or in this case just leaning against the side of the shower stall feeling the hot rain beat down on me, the arms dangling like their nerves have been cut and just staring staring staring at nothing in particular before making the body move and dry itself and then exhausted by such an act, collapse again and wait for strength to return.

A verticillary state. You are detached from everything and you just fall and lie there waiting for sense to get into you. Sometimes, like now, you attempt to seize control and will yourself to move. Your body breaks out of this personal asylum and does what it is told� to an extent, your mind is not there. It is not there. I am not there fully.

I feel like a puppet. I smile because I know BF wants me to smile and be happy and I don�t want him unhappy because I know someplace deep in me I would be sad if he was unhappy. I know I don�t feel it, not when I am in my little world, but later on, I would. I would.

The first time it happened in public, they sent me to hospital and when I was back fully, the doctor thought I was on drugs and if not, playing a prank on the emergency ward. Unfair I thought. It wasn�t me that caused it, or called the ambulance. The tutor did.

I just wasn�t there. Paladin I met then. BF wasn�t mine yet. How sad. Had not twined his life round my fragile stem yet.

I remember the first time it happened. I was five. I knew enough to break out giggling when I realized my mother was shaking me. Knew enough to pretend it was a prankish act to allay her fears and suspicions. Knew enough.

The first time Multiple saw me, she saw me in the throes of such a state, although I was not fully under then, but she knew, she knew.