That fasting was bad. The first mouthful of food I had caused the most incredible spasms that nearly made me lose consciousness. Thank goodness for friends who are medical students. It took me two hours to recover from the pain, and even after the pain was gone, I felt as exhausted as a new-born kitten.

Bah. I don't know. If I do explain the entire Capt situation, I know it will be rambly and confused, just like my feelings and thoughts on the issue. No, scratch that. I know what my feelings are on the matter. It stands as thus: it is over. However, the accusations and issues that make up the situation are confused, because simply, my concentration is at a nadir, I'm very stressed and I have more things on my mind than to pamper an ex-boyfriend who is trying to manipulate me.

He says he isn't trying to manipulate me, at least no more than any person who is attempting to woo someone. I think it is best for him and me to have a clean break. He screamed at me when I said that because he said I wasn't him and I couldn't know what was best for him. So I placated him as best as I could. I was right when I told Panther ages ago that Capt wished to keep me a little girl because he was a little boy himself. I recalled mentioning that to Capt before and I cannot recall the answer, but every feeling dredged up from the memory of that conversation is negative.

But yes, I should have been selfish and replied to that screaming with the statement that I want the best for myself, and this is what is best for me. I am sick and tired of him calling me up and telling me that he isn't trying to manipulate me, that he doesn't like to see me upset and then contradicting himself later with the statement that he is happy when I am crying and hysterical because it shows that I still care about him.

Frankly, I don't. I get hysterical because I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown and getting so angry and frustrated with him. I don't want all my happy memories tainted with his stubborn insistence that it would work when it won't, partially because I am exhausted from trying to make it work. I'm selfish, yes. But that is an innate human desire to protect oneself.

If you are wondering why I have turned into a sudden bitch and why almost everything I say about the Capt is negative these days, these are my reasons. One, when we were going out, he was reading my journal. I was not prepared to let loose all my negative feelings about him in a place where he could read them and be hurt and yell at me. Two, I broke up with him. And now I no longer really care anymore. With each phone call he makes, alternating between abuse, manipulation and wheedling, he destroys what is left of my happiness I found with him. I have tried telling him this but like the stubborn sot he is, he refuses to see it.

But nevermind. I am probably guilty of the insensitivity he accuses me of. But the warning in that previous entry was done with the genuine feeling of goodwill because I knew the entry would upset him and I was trying to warn him away from it. He showed the warning to everyone and said that I manipulated him into reading it. Oh yes, I was thinking of reverse psychology when I wrote that. I cannot believe he showed it to his colleagues at work. I cannot believe that after such a long time of care and love from me, he reverts back to his stubborn insistence that women are the scum of the earth and out to hurt him. And finally I cannot believe that after two and a half years, he can believe that that warning was done deliberately to ensure that he would read an entry that talked about my new boyfriend.

And he said that this was the most insensitive way of breaking up by writing that entry. He said I should have called him and told him. Hello? I thought we broke up ages ago on the phone. No, not in September but in mid October I told him the separation was permanent. He just carried on like he didn't understand that simple fact and I admit it is my fault for not making a clean break like what most people have urged me to do.

I should send him that letter I wrote long ago before I decided that despite his faults I would love him. Maybe I should read it. After all, that letter was the diary entry I wrote about my impressions of the Capt before I was too blinded with love.

Sigh.

I know I look like the veriest bitch in this entry because I probably am. I don't know. I get confused. I am easily imprinted by other people's expectations and wants. At least I think I am.

But right now, all I can think of is this: I understand why the last two girls he dated cut him off completely without a word. He is quite manipulative. Although, I suppose they probably were nasty people too. And I am terrified I am becoming nasty too.

***

I am watching my new boyfriend sleep. I had begged him to keep me company while I straggle through my essay. The whole relationship seems too fast after my break up, but it only begun last Thursday. I don't know. I'm very confused.