Know how to feel. That's an odd turn of phrase. It seems that my life is made up of rules and boundaries that I should erect or should not cross. A manual to run life according to the rules, binaries, even BF's permutations. If A happens, then options B and C should pop up on a little grey screen.

That is one reason why I consciously try to rebel, to break free, to erase if you will, the invisible markers that are drawn round all my actions.

So should I be happy? Or sad? Or angry? Or just leave it as that? In black and white? Simplicity is best it seems. Maybe I will just stick with the whole myriad of sensations, of feelings. I was certainly deliriously happy for a time there this evening. And now I am typing this in a relatively calm mood after my tantrum (what else can i call it?), or perhaps my anger at my own stupidity.

Which reminds me of something Strawberry said. She mentioned that I was spoilt and I always had to have my own way. She mentioned that she wasn't the only to think it. I bet it was Princess or Medusa that agreed with her. They are probably correct.

Transference. That is what it is called. When the traits you disliked about someone are disliked because your inner critic hates those same flaws in you and hence you project the anger onto the other most like you; or you dislike the odd stranger because you have issues to deal with a person you know intimately who is most like the odd stranger.

I have always known that I disliked Strawberry because in some ways she was like the Brat. Irresponsible, obnoxious in a bratty way and clingy. The Brat used to cling to me and it irked me to no end. I am not the really clingy sort. And of course, Strawberry is just like me. Headstrong, over-achieving, stubborn and brattish.

Princess was just spoilt and irresponsible. Medusa was just bold and brassy. No tact or consideration in them except for their own comfort. I suppose they are the super-inflated Strawberry or me.

But I did not mean to ramble on about such Freudian analysis. I meant to note that I was feeling really happy today. And triumphant. Proud to have accomplished something. Comforted to know that I have started to get my life back on track.

I got an essay back, which scored a pretty high mark. I managed to finish my presentation, which the tutor praised as well researched, although my inner critic and my senses tell me that while the praise may have been genuine, the tone was not. Irrational and paradoxical but it makes sense once you sit down and think about it. I got an extension for my essay. And I had Yoga class, which was soothing. And then I got to go play CS. And get Almond bubble tea.

Which was where it all started. And no great surprise here, Paladin got on my nerves again.

Some interesting things to note here:

• As BF is fond of pointing out to people, Paladin seemed interested in me around the same time I was trying to grab hold of the BF and not let go (BF was resisting, the bastard!)
• I thought the BF had a much, much better personality than Paladin was (and cuter to boot), so I stuck to my guns.

  Look, I was lonely at that time, and no girl is unsusceptible to someone who pays a lot of attention to you. Even if you knew that he was wrong for you.

• I knew from the start that Paladin and I could be friends, but not be in a relationship. He was just too staid, uncreative and a stick in the mud to ever be really suitable as a boyfriend.

  Not to mention the crawling revulsion I get when he hedges round issues and insinuates and insinuates but never tells you upfront what he means to say. I hate evasive tactics. Some girls may like it, but I absolutely detest it!

• Even the BF doesn't know this one. The first time I saw Paladin was in uni. And I took a double take because he looked exactly like my ex-boyfriend, Tanzy.

  The second time I met him on the bus, and whatever Paladin's faults, he has the knight in shining armour mentality. I was short of loose change for a bus ticket and he gave me the money for it.

  I only got to know Paladin the year after these two incidents.

Whatever.

Now that I have that off my chest...

Fingers, Paladin and I agreed to play CS in Chinatown. Fingers had to leave after 2 hours. Paladin wanted to play the full 3 1/2 hours he had on his card, but because there wasn't transport home except with Fingers' car, he agreed on the 2 hours.

So that was that. Paladin and I were suppose to hitch a ride in his companion's car to get to Chinatown, but I opted to go later with Fingers because I had less log-on time on my membership card (3 hours) than Paladin. I was broke, so I could not add more time to it. That meant that Paladin could play for an additonal hour and meet Fingers and I at the cafe after that. That way, he got to play 3 hours, and then he would return home with Fingers and me. Furthermore, I did not want to be in the same car with the two lovebirds.

In any case, when Fingers and I reached the cafe, Paladin was nowhere to be found. We managed to track him down on his mobile and he said he would be there in about 40 minutes time, after he sent his companion home. He had borrowed her car and so he had to send her home and then drive on down to Chinatown.

So that was that. Paladin arrived and began playing. However, Paladin decided after an hour had passed, (2 for Fingers and me) that he wanted to play on.

As it was, had Paladin arrived at the internet cafe like he was meant to, I would have finished my logged time at the same time he did, if we were leaving at the same time i.e. after 3 hours. The thing was, he was delayed an hour on top of the extra 30 minutes. But he promised me that he would send me home if I stayed that hour that remained on my account and not return with Fingers because he didn't want to be alone.

So I did, with the assumption that we leave after my final hour expired. But of course you know the end of the sordid tale. He decided he wanted to keep on playing and asked me to wait the extra hour and the half while he slaughtered people.

And the thing that I was really furious about? I made the foolish assumption that the time agreed on to leave was the time after my log-on time had expired. I didn't have enough cash on me for a cab, and the last bus had left over an hour ago. That meant I was dependent on him to get home, at his leisure and pleasure. And to make matters worse, he wanted to add more money to his account and play for another couple of hours.

That meant that I had to wait for him. And I wasn't going to wait another 2-3 hours for him. And doing nothing to boot but watch other people play CS, and letting people get the wrong impression that I was there to hook up with some guy. (Lots of girls do not play CS but hang around there just to flirt with the players. Of course there are real female players, but they are in the minority.)