Hello sweetie,

I wrote this initially to post it, but then I decided it got too private to post it in my diary. (Funny, how that sentence works logically... nvm:P). So yes. Please don't get mad okay?

Love you.

"I feel restless. It is not a good sort of agitation. Not the sort of ambitious push you need to do get around to achieve your dreams. It is more of an agitation because you feel unfulfilled in some way and then you get the urge to attempt to fill that emptiness with some fleeting pleasure for a moment. And not a whole series of moments either. It is a faint guilty feeling of restlessness. I need a change. I need to break free. I need to chop off my hair. Oh wait I did that already.

Enough joking. My humour is rather macabre tonight.

I feel like I owe my boyfriend an explanation. I am afraid that he senses my restless mood. BF has been calling more and more often because he feels like I am pulling away. And I have, if you had read the earlier entry. That was an entire social circle as a whole. I am now speaking of relationship inertia.

Are you my soul mate?

Yes he is. He can feel 10000 miles away that I feel bad, I feel naughty (in a sexual sense), I feel upset, I am tired or stressed. He counts the days on the calendar knowing approximately when I am most vulnerable to tears and mood swings. He loves me.

When I pick up the phone and he is on the other end, everything is worth it. Loneliness, agitation, someone giving me a skewed glance, or the emptiness in me.

Like a pitcher I am filled.

How pathetic. To be so dependent.

I just feel restless dear. Because sometimes I think I am still too young to be stuck in a monogamous relationship. To be tied down to one man. You gave me the option once, to date anyone I please, and after a while to decide whether I want to remain a flighty butterfly or decide to cleave to you.

On a few occasions, my mind tells me I should experience more of life. I do not want to be like my mom, who got married at twenty and had me at twenty-one. My mom says the same thing to both her daughters as well.

No, I do not mean something as absolute as marriage. I meant the lack of experience. Yet who can say how much experience one needs to know who or what is the "right" person. I may only have had one soul mate so far, and that is you. And that is enough. No two couples are the same.

Yet, while I ponder on the intricacies of the dating cycle, I have no desire for any other guy. Not even the so-called drop-dead gorgeous ones, or the ones that flatter me, or even someone who is in close proximity. And you know how needy I am. Hee. You know my two crushes were based on the fact that I thought they were "cute" because they looked or behaved like you.

Yet, occasionally, I have wondered about dragging out a long distance relationship when it might spell heartbreak in the end. And I would lose something at the end of it, even if I gained something far sweeter. But instead of thinking that, I think of what I will lose even as I gained. Do you understand?

Your girlfriend's fatal flaw is the inability to enjoy the full part of the glass, because it gnaws at her that there is an empty part.

Something incomplete, something that should be complete.

We have spoken of this before. And you know my stance. And you know me better than I do sometimes. And I always work at this sore point, like some bruise, which I prod knowing that it hurts, but I do so because its pain reassures me that I am still alive. Yet the bruise will hurt even more because I prod at it.

I love you. You know I do. But each time I bring this sore point up; I know I erode the foundation of trust so needed to sustain such a fragile link over land and sea.

How can I reconcile these two so very different sides?

Physically I am faithful.

Mentally I am as well, except at those times when I am most vulnerable and lonely and I miss you so very much. And then my selfish thoughts stray because I would like someone who is always there physically for me. Because I am some sad weak child that needs a strong right arm to fend off life's harsh blows while the left comforts me.

Sometimes it seems that the only reason my thoughts stray is because you aren't here. Because when you are here, there's only you and you alone, and not some shadowy faceless guy whom I try to conjure up, unsuccessfully I might add, as he has no real example in life. I often wind up imagining the situation if you had stayed for that extra five years to finish your PhD.

This is an attempt to shift the blame onto you.

I do try so hard to be a perfect little girl. And that's my problem. I just refuse to grow up. I'm scared that if I do grow up, you won't like me anymore. I am not special enough. And if I do grow up, I might be cold-bloodedly selfish and above all, stupid enough to give you up.

And I am not perfect. Nobody is perfect. I try and I try. And hence guilt crushes me because the perfect girl does not even think of straying in my book.

I love you. I just miss you so very much.

And being the perfectionist I am, what underlies all this insecurity is the question: Am I making the right choice?

That is the tormenting question and it underpins my restlessness.

Because I have not fully assimilated the answer that life is not a series of right and wrong answers neatly categorized or put away, but shades of gray. I know that, but it is not internalised into my innermost core.

So yes, my darling, I feel trapped and restless at odd importune moments in the presence of your glaring absence.

But when you are here, everything is right and happy again. I get annoyed with you and I get angry with you. There is the exertion of real life dreariness and the minor petty concerns about catching the stupid bus or making sure my sheets are clean.

But I also get the sense of bliss and the gift of a whole sequence of moments being transformed into a real life fairytale. And life is made out of a whole sequence of individual moments, both beautiful and crass. Not merely one moment.

Please forgive me? I need to be absolved by you, because I cannot forgive myself.

And I wish so very badly that you are here right now so you can put an end to this torment. If you were here, I wouldn't care less because I would not be in this situation in the first place.

Sometimes it seems that I am more afraid of what I think instead of what you actually think. Yes, I think that is the correct point of this entire discussion.

Love,

your little, insecure, girlfriend."

BTW, your present's on the way.