In any case, I have updated my "sobriquet" section. It gets depressing as it seems that more and more strike-throughs appear as the days pass, but I did renew my friendship with Marshmallow Man this year, so that's an additional name.

Oh and thank you all who signed my guestbook or e-mailed me. I am very grateful.

***

I spoke to Mage yesterday. He was kind to listen to me and I poured like what seemed a million words into a sympathetic ear. I spoke for over two hours. On Capt. On the new variables. On my omissions. I did a post-mortem on my relationship. I know, I know, I am either far too impulsive or I am far too cold and detached and look at the situation at every possible angle.

Mage says we share the same mental characteristics when looking at problems.

Capt and I might have worked out all the kinks in our relationship, had he been here. He would, and could, as in his own words, "charm me" into staying with him. I can recall the few times he did and actually succeeded. He is a very nice man, you know, which makes me look at love so cynically because he was the "one" for a time, and no longer is. My mom uses the Chinese proverb, "you yuan wu fen", which roughly means that he is a "one" but not the "one" that fate intends for you.

There were underlying cracks in foundation of the relationship. That is inevitable. But when I look at it in a collected manner, it seems highly likely, despite Capt's old assurances that, "Things will work out with time." that those cracks would have widened and the whole foundation of the relationship would have crumbled anyway. If not now, then later. Better that it ended now, rather than later, when we are both too old.

Family was the conclusive factor. I could tell that he would never truly understand what my family meant to me. I have tried explaining, but I guess you have to live in the Asian mentality to understand the hold family has on me. A tutor that I am pretty close to, said pretty much the same thing. Ties not just only of the universal love, care, concern and familial bonds but other intangible ones that I cannot articulate properly. If I cannot even utilise my best skill to explain the whole context, what hope do I have to explain to someone who has absolutely no notion about what I am trying to get at? Additionally, I am notorious for being rambly and scattered when I attempt to explain or lecture on something.

Secondly, Capt isn't very adaptable.

Three. I think we are sexually mis-matched. It is painful to admit, but honest. I guess I am a cold-fish while he is hot molten lava. Fish can't swim in lava.

But yes, I think I shall do a volte face and admit that we would have had a chance to get over these obstacles had we actually had more time to see each other in the flesh.

It isn't as if we both have not tried. He has been faithful. I have been faithful, perhaps with a slight tinge of guilt, not as mentally faithful as I always thought I would be. But for a relationship that actually lasted for 6 months in the flesh, I think 2 years in a long distance relationship is an indication of how strong those bonds were. Admittedly, there were periods of more intense bouts of affection than others. But that is normal.

I don't think anyone is to blame. I just feel sorry that it didn't work out like we both thought it would. But I guess someone had to be the cold-blooded one and end a relationship that was not going anywhere.

***

I hate doing that. Using someone else as a sounding board. I feel obligated. I feel that I am wasting their valuable time. It makes me vulnerable. I get paranoid because I always feel thatI disclose too much, far too fast, which I invariably always do because I can't stop the floodgates when I start to speak. Especially when I hover between the edge of slight insanity and depression.

But I didn't have a choice. Honest. I could not get Jingle on the phone for the last week. She was always not at home. I can't tell my mom. She would go, "I told you so." For that matter, so would Jingle. So yes. One of my support pillars was missing. Multiple thought the whole situation was hilarious. I can't tell Marshmallow Man simply because I kept my relationship with the Capt pretty private from almost everyone except the ones I knew who were not conservative about such cross-cultural relationships. Paladin is just the same old Paladin in a complex situation. Panther wasn't around on ICQ, the time-zone difference with the UK being a huge barrier for conversation.

***

I exchanged a first kiss with someone today. And when he lifted his head and looked at me, for one blurry moment I thought it was the Capt staring at me. And I hurt. A fleeting pang. But after the next kiss, that ghost was banished for me.

Mage told me that since my relationship with the Capt is over, I should put it all behind me. He speaks the truth.

He speaks the truth. He spoke it. I heard. I tried. But I am weak. A weak-willed vapid creature that needs to twine my life stem round someone else's. I tried. I did try. But then I succumbed again. Temptation.