My mom told me point-blank today that she didn't want me to get involved with some guy simply because I am unable to emotionally detach myself from them when it ends. And the thought just flashed into my mind that without trial and error I won't be able to get it right. And after typing this, I realised that my mom married her first and only boyfriend. So I guess she sees the whole situation from only a mother's viewpoint: she does not want her children to cry and hurt over some insignificant male (to her) while she can only stand by helplessly.

I have come to internalise what the new beau told me: that actions speak louder than words. He isn't an affectionate man, not like the Capt, and more often than not, he uses a gruff tone and sarcasm to cover up what he sees as an emotional weakness. However, when I sit down and actually think about it, his actions do speak louder than his words. However, I have to constantly remind myself about this. I tend to be so blind.

He looks at me intently or he steals gazes at me. He lets me answer his phone. He wants me to meet his parents. He knows what I like to eat and actually goes out of the way to buy it for me, although he would then go on about how fattening it is. But I suppose he has never directly said I was fat. So I am a little bit confused about that. He entertains me even when he is falling asleep. And when I cry, he gets upset and he gets sympathetic tears in his eyes. (I can hear Capt's voice going on about how wimpish this idiot is.) And various other things.

But still, I get uneasy when he tells me he misses me a lot. And he doesn't seem as tender as he was when we first realised that we were going somewhere in the relationship. This whole situation is only about three weeks old and I'm already feeling insecure, moody and scared. It isn't a good sign.

I re-read Sperm Wars by Dr. Robin Baker. It is one of my all-time favourites. I like the whole evolution and procreation theories he comes up with. Or perhaps he may just be trying to make the entire thing palatable and digestible for the less scientifically inclined public.

What has this got to do with anything? But I seriously need to return to my over-due essay so I can't stay and ramble on needlessly on something so dull. So yes. Until tomorrow noon. That's the deadline. And then I am free to weep and wail about my lot, which to someone else in a worse life isn't terribly unfortunate.