***

I know I have not been updating as regularly as I do when I'm stuck in Australia. It is not surprising, considering that over there, my means of electronic communication is mine and not placed in a communal area with two pairs of curious eyes attempting to delve into whatever you happen to be typing.

Not that there is much to record down in terms of daily living.

I gave an inarticulate screech today out of sheer frustration at the amount of boredom I was experiencing. It does not help that even gaming on Battlenet has its hazards. It feels absolutely claustrophobic with my mom and sister flanking me while I fiddle with hot keys and units. I get agitated and annoyed with that sort of close attention, but fussing at both of them gets equally annoying reactions.

The brat either whines, sulks, hits back (verbally) or bursts into tears. My mom either nags, glares at me, reminds me that she is my elder, or protests that she isn't annoying me. But you try not to feel suffocated with two, what my dad terms as "co-pilots", constantly watching you, even when you are chatting on icq.

This extends to my phone conversations as well. You try to sort out relationship problems with a nosy younger sister and a mother that sits right next to you when you are chatting.

I just realised the reason for my belligerence with the poor Beau. First and foremost is the problem of trust. I cannot trust him. Not enough. Secondly I am very stressed with my mom breathing down my neck all the time.

You try having a phone conversation with someone giving a snide side commentary all the time. I am getting so stressed that I am not sleeping well. My mom says I shouldn't have any stress since I am home and not homesick, but the major contributing stress factor right now is the lack of personal space.

Even trying to escape from the house is a chore. And I need to do it these days, because it is getting too suffocating at home. Am I repeating myself again? It is a symptom of my illness! From my mom it is, "It's raining", "There's nothing you can do downtown anyway", "Again?". From the Brat is goes like this, "Take me with you!!!", "You are mean." or "It's not fair!!!"

At least mom has stopped preaching about the immorality of heavy petting and pre-marital sex. That was quite a strain on me as well, simply because I cannot conform entirely to her snow-white ideals anymore.

***

Of course I am having problems with this new male in my life. We started off on the wrong footing and with a flawed foundation. The whole relationship is doomed from the start with an expiry date of 5 months (when I graduate). I cannot trust him as much as I would like to, because he simply isn't rectifying the flawed situation the way I think it ought to be resolved. He admits it, but reckons that it involves him only and that it would be his own problem. I don't think so. The real world doesn't revolve just around him in his little idealistic fantasy. But of course, that is my own point of view.

I cannot cry for someone all the time. No one should cry so much for someone that one isn't even sure one should love.

And I know I hurt him. More importantly I hurt his pride as well tonight, for the third day running. I am just paranoid and hurting and fearful of the entire situation blowing up in my face because he isn't conforming to what I want.

Oh yes, compromise between couples is needed in a relationship. Yes. I know that. But in this case, he can either cling to a clandestine relationship with me and let his ex-girlfriend think that she still has a chance with him, down to fixed dinner dates and all that jazz, or I go. I cannot take this entire godforsaken situation anymore.

This is stupid.

And to think I cannot articulate what I really feel about him to him. I miss him dreadfully, but all I ever do over the phone is convey hurt, pain and anger.

***

How do you comfort a friend who is losing a loved one? Jingle's cat is dying of kidney failure and this gave me an epiphany on how badly my resources are taxed when dealing with people these days. I cannot seem to be able to summon up the dearth of kindness and warmth I used to possess. Too tired. Too involved in my own pain that I cannot seem to be able to help others anymore. Too selfish.

I grieve for that which is lost from me. I hope that I can redeem it again.

Not to mention that this is the first time I have had to comfort someone who is losing a loved one. I know that there are some people out there who think that losing a pet is not to be placed on the the same level as losing a relative or friend. My dear mom has made her views clear on this. I do not entirely disagree, but I cannot agree with it either because I think a loved one is still a loved one, regardless of its species. The emotion is there. The hurt and raw pain of loss is there too. One cannot be insensitive about this.

***

Fuck these all. I need a break from people. Including my family.