I am sorry I cannot seem to make you understand how stressed and frustrated I am feeling right now. I feel that I cannot speak to you freely or share anything simply because you do not seem to understand the magnitude of the stress I feel. It seems to me that it is always dismissed as a joke, or perhaps it is your way of diffusing it with humour, but not actually addressing it. Yes, I can hear you talking in my head about the �strong� language I am using, �dismissing� etc, but that is simply how I feel. And while you may not actually feel that you are doing it harshly, to me that is how that feels. Moreover, once you think it is trivial, or feel it is trivial, it does not matter how I try to change your mind because it is a uphill job with the impression already in your mind. And once I get frustrated, I go into hysterics, which makes my entire explanation more convoluted and confusing. And that makes you even more prejudiced to the whole thing.

I just realised that perhaps you do understand, but it seems the insistence on �making it clearer� just adds to my frustration, as it adds to the stress on not conveying my message. I can�t give you a clear picture if you are unwilling to supply just what is making my explanation not confusing. You are stubborn in your belief that it has to be in my own words and not your impression of the event. Moreover, when you do explain, sometimes it is painfully clear to me that what you are talking about is not the same as what I was actually trying to say. And when I do try to clarify it, you link it up in ways that I never even saw or perceived. Perhaps you are over-sensitive as well. But that is a moot point and seems like just slander.

I need to be stressed about one thing right now: Work. And not whether I can speak to you about anything without hitting a brick wall. Right now what I feel is that my freedom to speak is curtailed simply because I do not know what issues I can bring up with you as there is no reliable emotional/mental barometer I can gauge the strength of your reaction and the receptiveness of it all. As an example, when you were my friend, I could mention that incident with Panther and Capt and you could give a relatively neutral opinion on it. Right now, when I try to do it with you, I get smacked in the head figuratively because your opinions are no longer neutral. This is stressful.

I did not get a �nightmare� last night. I told you about my last nightmare. It was you yelling at me to treat the grasshopper carefully, and unappreciative of my efforts in not trying to accidentally squash it. I felt so nervous and stressed. Last night was a troubled one as well. The feelings of helplessness and nervousness and stress were reiterated in a dream of floods and runaway trains.

I do want to make this relationship work, but as each day passes, you seem to withdraw your affection. You and I both know that you touch me more often when you are happy with me. You never hold my hand anymore, and even hugs taste more of duty than anything else. Yes, you are stressed as well. I know this. I keep telling myself this. But it hurts so damn much. And when I hurt, I withdraw and more likely to shut myself away from you, and this is a vicious cycle.

I�m sure you noticed it. When I am happy, I get all affectionate, and give you a hug or a kiss, but each time I do that you seem, unhappy or uncomfortable about it. That is my equivalent of an apology, of reassurance that I am at least making an effort to patch things up. Maybe you do it differently. Then please don�t get mad if I ask you just what you are doing to patch things up, because it is very obvious that your way of doing things is different from mine. And because I have only experienced my way of doing things I need to know just what you are doing. Remember? You got very upset that you had to �explain� what you did for me. Things like spending time, being happy just to be with me. Maybe it is asking too much for you to physically or verbally express your feelings, but at least I just needed to know that, �Hey, I am not a verbal person, but you know what I mean when I do this etc, etc.� You don�t actually have to say it, you just have to point out that what you are doing is the norm when you are happy just to be with me. Clear communication. I can�t read your mind the way you can�t read mine.

Sometimes I feel that if we can�t sort this out now when we have fewer distractions, we cannot make this relationship work. Which is why I am constantly harping on time. And when you get tired of making the effort, I get frustrated and let it out in the most immature way. So when I cry or throw a tantrum, I know you get frustrated and then you see no reason to continue the discussion. Then I get angry because it seems that you are running away from the problems and abandoning me in the process.

I think that sometimes I confuse you because for the same situation, I try to explain it in different ways. For example, I am upset about someone's reaction to me. And finally we boiled it down to �I just want you to explain that your break-up was inevitable whether I was in the picture or not.� Last night I thought of a different way to say that. �I do not want to be known as your �companion��. It sounds radically different doesn�t it? But the underlying fear is that I just want people to understand that I�m your girlfriend. The choice you made. Sure, it is none of their business between what you see as intensely personal, but I am sure you remembered that conversation with Strawberry and me. We were saying that you should call her your girlfriend and not your �companion� because it is important from a girl�s point of view. Maybe she never asked you about that, but it doesn�t mean that she does not want the recognition. She is perhaps more mature than I am to not bother about it. I don�t know. And in any case, the gesture is appreciated. And I remember how upset you got when we said there was a cruder way of calling someone a �companion�. And then you did realise it and after that day you called her your �girlfriend� in our presence. Perhaps you did so all along with your other friends, I don�t know.

What makes the entire situation worse is how alone I feel I am right now. I do not want to end this relationship simply because I really want it to work. You upped the stakes when you said you did not want it to end early in July. I was thinking of it as a six-month thing, but that was because you had already spoken on how you think long distance relationships don�t work out. However, when you mention about making it work even after six months, it raised my hopes. No matter how cold I seem, I do entertain long term ideas, because that is the sort of person I am. No matter how hard I try to change myself and act all cold. But like I mentioned before, I am feeling rather disheartened that we can�t seem to sort this out after so many days.

I remember you saying that your �ideals� were destroyed and you were feeling disillusioned. That is how I feel. So were mine. Mine were that we could start off the year without anything hanging over our heads. Perhaps if I never found the SMSes I wouldn�t have bothered much with you trying to help her. Sure, I would feel upset maybe jealous sometimes, but you were keeping your promise in helping her back on her feet and making sure that everything was ok with her. A gradual process etc, etc.

Perhaps I was reading too much into the SMSes, but strangely, I don�t see how you delete my messages but not hers. Before you get mad and not read any further. Can you just pretend you are a neutral party and I am talking about Panther and his ex-girlfriend? Pretend I am going out with him right now. My complaint is, he keeps her SMSes including the prosaic ones about bus schedules, but I write him an SMS about dinner and retiring early with obvious sexual overtones and he deletes it and explains that it was just prosaic stuff about dinner. But that is too late now isn�t it? Yes, I think I should stop harping on it, but the reason why I can�t seem to stop is because Panther doesn�t understand why I keep talking about it. He just thinks it�s stupid and if the messages upset me I should just delete it. Oh and don�t forget, the messages were from last year. Last year? Last year was 15 days ago. So why can�t I just delete it? I will tell you it is because he doesn�t understand what a shock it is to me.

Perhaps my ideals were too high, that he could really detached himself from someone he went out with for over 2 years like I did and not feel any sentiment. Maybe I just realise that not everyone is like me, able to detach myself from the person I feel guilty towards. I can�t seem to understand why he doesn�t just cool it off for a bit to ensure that nothing clouds the recovery period before making the first overture again. Am I asking too much? It isn�t fair is it? I feel so helpless. He has nothing to really worry about because there isn�t anyone else in my life, ex-boyfriend or new possibility to worry about, while I have to grapple with guilt that I hurt the ex-girlfriend and feeling helpless but can do nothing to alleviate that jealousy because I feel I owe it to her not to meddle and my boyfriend doesn�t understand why I feel so stressed and angry about it.

And that clarifies my next point. I already feel guilty about the whole thing, and my boyfriend doesn�t understand that I am already beating myself up over it, and adds more stress to my guilt by saying indirectly or directly that I am insensitive to her or to his personal freedom.

And this is loneliness at its worse.

I dare not end the relationship now, as I did previously. At least then, I had a friend left in you when I made my decision. Someone to cajole me out of my misery. Right now, I am in a relationship with you and I no longer feel that I can confide in you, or that you are even my friend. Lose you, and I will be all alone here.

Sometimes you say things that make me think you understand, �You are so over-sensitive probably because you are away from home.� However, what it feels like is that it was said in an effort to make it sound fair, but with little or no understanding.

Let me make this very explicit. I have no friends. No family. Even if the new semester begins, I cannot befriend someone in a snap of my fingers. I cannot work on a network of casual friends, I need to understand someone else more deeply to be �friends�. It takes time and effort, which I cannot spare if I am to do work and entertain a boyfriend at the same time. Not to mention to get a friend just because I need support isn't fair to the other person as well.

I have no friends in Australia. No family in Australia. My course is isolated, I have no classmates. I cannot cope with a break-up right now because I have no support network to fall back upon. Even if in any event I get a friend when the semester begins, I still have to cope with the first month of pain on my own until March. Maybe you can (and I fear to say this because you can get the references in it and get angry), can give me �emotional support� but truly I see no reason you should. You will be the source of my hurt. Why should I constantly finger the wound to see it bleed when all I want is to ensure that it heals properly? Give it time to scab over and see whether I want to be reminded of a scar and its life�s lessons or just ignore it.

I�m tired. I was contemplating just cutting my losses after July and enjoy the fling. In doing so, I just have to ensure that I make myself not care as much about you as I want to. At least you won�t get tantrums because at least I won�t feel justified to because I won�t get hurt and it will be more pleasant for both of us.

I do realise you might think it sounds like a threat. It isn�t. I�m just genuinely confused and really, really hurt.

You will probably go, �Do what is best for yourself� or get frustrated that once again

I have no faith in you. I do have faith in you. And that is what I have been trying to make you see, that I did until it got so muddled up in hurt and anger with the assertion that I didn�t. I did. I keep telling you this, and each time all we do is keep hurting each other. I need you to comfort me and not get frustrated that I don�t seem to understand that you are doing a lot. I just realise that the word �need� comes up quite a bit. Something is wrong somewhere. Either my expectation are too high, if so tell me, or perhaps something is wrong with the relationship in the first place if my emotional needs are not being met.

Wow, it sounds like everything is your fault. No it isn�t. I know I am spoilt and immature, but I guess I was hoping you could cope with it. We don�t communicate effectively.

You tried to comfort me last night by giving me a hug when I cried, but it tasted too much like duty so I pulled away. Maybe I am asking too much, maybe I put you on too high a pedestal, put too much faith in your words. I should have read the fine print, that it wasn�t exactly �a promise� to make me happy.

Yes, I just realised in the course of writing this, that maybe you are under a lot of stress right now. But you act so nonchalant about the whole thing, or when we �talk� I make you frustrated but when you answer, it seems like you don�t understand what I am really talking about. I am asking for clarification here. A �Yes I know how bad you are feeling, but can you trust me to make things work?� instead of �I already said what I wanted to say, if you don�t have faith...� which implies to me, �take it or leave it� and that you don�t understand how I feel. Moreover you have been so physically cold as if you are punishing me for voicing my opinions. I just need to be told that no matter how frustrated you are, you will be there for me?

Perhaps right now, it is sort of sad that I think I am more afraid of losing you and my last friend in Australia than any real thought of the what I will lose in the future that is keeping you with me. Trying to make me harder and more independent? More like instilling a sense of dependence through implicit approval on how I treat things. I think you do believe in what you are doing, but are unable to see what you are actually doing to my spirit. Not everyone learns the same way. I shudder to think what will happen if I stayed with you for the six months, yet I want to make it work, because when I am happy with you, it seems all worth it.

I can�t see what wounds I am inflicting on you. And because I can�t do so, I cannot tell whether I am doing something wrong and try and correct it. I need information. Am I doing this right? Am I doing this wrong? Can I tell you everything without getting a harsh opinion that I am oversensitive, it�s my fault or that I shouldn�t have done this and that? Without something that says I deserve what I get?

And to do what is best for myself? I want this to work. Sincerely. But it seems like something out of reach.