One of those real meals was dinner today. Today was the lull in the storm. Last night it finished with me kissing his hand (literally) and asking for another chance. How did that happen?

Today, he calls his ex-girlfriend again. Whatever. Oh, it doesn't sound as bad as the way I put it. Part of me is still emotionally distraught over the whole situation, the other part of me is just too numb to be fair-minded about anything else except my needs.

He isn't cheating or anything. But he is confused about the whole ex-girlfriend situation. He feels that she has to be emotionally supported through their break-up. I would applaud his sense of compassion, if I weren't the new girlfriend swallowing the bitter pill of jealousy. I go, "What the hell?" and when I asked him whether he has spared a thought for me wallowing in insecurity as his new girlfriend, he rages about how unappreciative I am of his efforts to make me happy.

His efforts include time spent with me when he isn't at class, calling his ex-girlfriend up or taking a shower. I suppose one is overly paranoid over the whole thing. But one can't help but feel upset when reading SMSes like, "I miss you honey", "Call me tonight" and seeing little bits of her around every day in the form of mementoes he keeps in full sight.

Maybe he is a man and he is clueless? He calls me insensitive to her feelings... but I wonder when I try to point out he is insensitive to mine... Nah forget it. Any mention of her from me gets him upset, or he tries to leave the room to "avoid making a scene".

I had nightmares last night. She was a crippled grasshopper who couldn't hop. I was terrified the whole time in the dream because I was afraid I was the one who crippled her. And I had to fight the constant urge to squash her because he would be upset.

I have been pondering on whether it is better to close myself away from him, and call it quits when six months roll by. But he has upped the stakes by planning our future already. I hate it when that happens. No matter how much I tried to kill it, some part of me remains that idealistic girl who wants a fairytale marriage, and he has sweetened the trap with just that. I hate him. I hate it when I know I am trapped but cannot do anything about it.

I wrote a more eloquent entry on this in the shower today, but obviously eloquence has deserted me and emotions taken over.