Maybe the Beau is angry at me. But what puzzles me is the sudden turnabout in his demeanour in the space of half an hour. Despite everything, it makes me wonder about his maturity that he proudly exhibits like some bedraggled animal's head, each time he wishes to assert his superior logic.

If he isn't spiteful or petty, then he is unconsciously taking his anger out on me again. I absolutely detest being kept in the dark when I can sense anger, which may or may not be directed at me. One would say it is prying into his private life, but I can feel that this time, the source of his antagonistic behaviour towards me is me, and I need to know what went wrong in order to fix it. Keeping the other who senses that something is wrong in suspense on the exact details is not remotely dealing with his touchy problem.

When asked this morning (which sparked this entry), "Will I see you tonight?", he replies, "That depends if you are going to be in."

What? He already knows I always bloody wait for his return like the figurative home-maker with the metaphorical slippers for him to slip on.

Or perhaps he doesn't know. Doesn't realise I wear my heart on my sleeve. Then that is his problem isn't it? But surely the communication difficulties do stem from my side too? That I find it hard to articulate to him the vagaries of the heart, the searing pain that accompanies each thoughtless (or calculating) cold dagger?

I can think of a few reasons why he is angry at me, but they are really trivial. And it has to be taken into consideration that I spoke to him for about all of five minutes last night, so whatever reaction he has smacks of self-indulgence and oversenstivity on his part. Things he says I do all the time because I am immature. He makes me feel stupid and insignificant when he does that. And he makes me feel like I am being punished for something I wasn't even aware of doing.

One, after he shut himself in his room, and we established that he wasn't feeling happy, I found him dressed formally and about to go for dinner. When pressed, he said he would be back at about eleven. I asked if anything was wrong. I went all insecure and probably went all paranoid and insinuated that he was sneaking out to meet her. It is understandable to someone in my insecure shoes, but looking back, with the shoe on the other foot, I can understand resentment on his part. That still doesn't explain the earlier belligerence. Although it probably contributed to it.

I suppose he could have overheard my offhand remarks about him being a "ladies man" when I was merrily chatting to Sweet Teeth and took umbrage at that. Or perhaps he didn't like being called an "idiot", when I found out that he was already home but didn't inform me. This is important. I was the "idiot" with the paraphernalia he needed to whip up dinner. So I needed to be informed when he wants dinner. I always inform him when I return from somewhere. But the latter shouldn't mean anything. I call him an "idiot" as a form of endearment. An odd form of endearment, but I guess I am the prototype of a nagging shrew. He knows this, but perhaps he already had a bad day at work; he didn't like to be called that in front of Sweet Teeth. Hell, I call Sweet Teeth an "idiot" all the time, but he knows I don't mean it. The Beau knows this little idiosyncrasy. So the sudden sensitivity when he knows I don't mean it puzzles me greatly. Or perhaps he doesn't. Strawberry didn't know I use the word "idiot" as a form of banter.

Or perhaps he was barricaded in his room because she had messed him up with a less than merry SMS. And then he felt neglected because I left him alone for the night when he said he wanted to be alone except for the earlier detailed incident with the insecure neediness. The other interruption wasn't my fault. I wasn't in my room and Sweet Teeth woke the Beau up when he knocked on his door expecting me to be there. I went off to watch videos with Sweet Teeth to kill time. The Beau probably thought I was off bitching about him. Bah.

Then he's as small-minded and selfish as I am.

My judgment is clouded far too much these days. I will probably read all of these when I am older, wiser, less vulnerable and realise that I am a superficial stalker who lives only for appearances and stifles all her men.