I'm angry.

I'm discontented with my lot in life.

I wrote a couple of entries today and then I deleted one and left the other contemptuous entry on ice. I need to calm down, take a deep breath and edit, edit, edit, edit, edit, it until it is logical. Until it sounds rational. Until it does not seem so erratic.

This is the story of my life. I never seem to be able to edit or mend things. I try but I only succeed in making things worse.

Disquieting.

Mood swings. Anger rears up its ugly head and then I mellow down.

It is tranquil on the surface, and suddenly, a tempest sweeps through everything, lasting for a brief period before allowing everything to settle down again.

Jingle calls it a reaction garnered from too much stress.

I think it is.

But much of the anger stems from discontentment. I'm not satisfied. As I told the Beau today, this current situation is nothing like I envisioned so many years ago, when I was a romantic teenager, or more recently, when I embarked on this part of my journey with him. I feel... cheated. I have a limited span of youth, of university life, of the carefree period where I do not have to bother with mortgages, work, children or a husband.

I want to enjoy and taste my life to the fullest. While I am young. While I am carefree. My vision of plenty. But right now, it is so much dust in the mouth.

Part of the emptiness comes from disillusionment. When the Beau came into my life, I thought I found a true companion. I will not be human if I did not admit to envy. Envy at Jingle, at Strawberry, at The Lost One, even Paladin. They have had the luxury of a student's life to indulge in a relationship or two. A fling. A puppy love filled with adoration, infatuation and companionship.

A student's life with Time, and careless free-floating days not marred by real life. You must admit, a student who needs not worry about student loans and fees, who lives off the bounty of indulgent parents; a student's life is carefree. And I want to taste such a relationship in such a bountiful environment, much like a gourmet lusts for a strawberry out of season.

I have a relationship, but it was not the sort I craved for and thought I found. And in that, the disillusionment hurts, because, because I spent two years of my life in a relationship with a boyfriend that was never here, and I thought I was happy. I was happy. For a while. But like a person who has never seen summer after spending his whole life in snow, ignorance is bliss. He does not know what he is missing. Mayhap it is not better, but at least he will never know.

I thought I was happy in my relationship with Capt. Until it soured and I left. Then I tasted the first heady days of what is derogatorily and summarily dismissed as the "honeymoon" period and I knew what bliss was. This was the taste I hungered for. And right now, in the surreal ending days of a carefree state, I get the rude awakening of real life.

I have two months left.

And the Beau is not attentive enough. He isn't affectionate enough. My relationship is not fulfilling. I wouldn't have known, if I had not experienced him at his most affected, affectionate. That fortnight.

And I feel cheated.

And then I feel stupid.

And then I feel ignorant and naive.

And far too idealistic.

And I always prided myself on the ability to be pragmatic and practical.

And now I feel insecure and worried, as if all the deficits in my soul are huge gaping holes that can be physically seen. If I can make such an error of judgment, reach for such foolish ideals, something is seriously lacking in me.