Why not change it to the original wallpaper of a slightly embarrassed and uncomfortable Beau holding out at arm's length, one of my stuffed animals? Because I guess this is my way of keeping him human in my mind, zits, sneer and all. Beau's not a drop-dead gorgeous hunk. Can't go around idealising him as one.

Who am I kidding? No matter how awful he looks, he is far more presentable and photogenic than I am, especially in this particular set of photos. I mostly look like a harried house-wife with my lank greasy hair arbitrarily tied up, pudgy chipmunk cheeks and a double chin. Bleah.

***

I'm feeling guilty at this moment. The other night when I was fiddling with livejournal, the Beau was on the phone telling me about the long-term plans he had. He wants to specialise and go for a masters because he wants to provide a more comfortable life for me (and implied children). He was also talking about a ring but I think he changed that later to a watch because I didn't make much of a reply beyond a half coherent "okay".

I was, after all, only listening to him with half a ear, and the full impact of what he said didn't hit until a day and a half later.

I feel detached about the whole situation. But of course, I do not really wish to concentrate on anything beyond my work right now because I'm already having trouble sorting out my grammar and paragraphing. Even writing this entry is a chore because my brain is under serious seige right now from lack of something. I can't even put my finger on the exact nature of the something. Motivation? Energy?

But to return to the Beau. I think I should not string him along if I don't have that much feeling for him. On the other hand, it isn't as if I don't want him, to put it in the most simple of terms. It sounds extremely juvenile by the way. I don't want the salad, I want ice-cream. I don't want the Barbie, I want the doll house etc.

I can see myself with him. But I don't really wish to plan anything right now. A fear of committment? Or just ennui? Maybe I'm just not interested in concentrating on that aspect of my life. Maybe I will be better in a bit. Maybe this is a sign that I am maturing; I'm finally able to prioritise.

Just how long is a "bit" anyway?

Bugger.

But I guess my apathy is composed of more than than fear of committment. I have several other factors contributing to it. Like parents, the aging process and mortality.

***

I think I will stop now. I won't make much progress on this conundrum anyway. If the mind is a wheel, a problem is a mouse. It is getting too crowded on my wheel. I need to have one lone mouse running efficiently, not four bumping into each other and eventually making the wheel collapse. That is a cute image. I keep seeing Beatrix Potter mice in my head.