However, being the small minded petty drama queen whose pride has been sorely hurt, I can't back down now from Qwig's comments in the guestbook, can I?

I wish he did not pick me out of myriad blogs in the same demographic group as an example. It is flattering that this blog has ranged out from its presumably usual readership, but unsettling, simply because it means that it has grown beyond my original intention.

To be perfectly honest, I do sincerely salute him for his work, which is "primary health care to families and children affected by and living with HIV/AIDS".

Because the closest I ever got to this degree of compassionate work, was the community work I did in junior college, organising fun fairs for various charity organisations, and helping out in various homes for the aged and homeless. Those few deeds, by the way, did not include the mandatory hours of community service, but were truly altruistic volunteering. And if that last statement confuses you, you weren't educated in Singapore.

That and thinking of volunteering at the CDC to hold the hands of terminally ill people and bring scant comfort to them. My dad vetoed that last idea, and perhaps I didn't care enough for others to go against his wishes.

To answer Qwig, I cannot take your criticism seriously because you have indicated that you picked my blog arbitrarily as an example. While I do belong to a privileged middle class and exhibit the various symptoms you indicate as contemptible, I realised that you merely skimmed through a couple of entries and then proceeded to finger me as the atypical example of all that you abhor. If you wanted an example you could have chosen someone who fitted the bill more closely than I do. Or at the very least, criticise me with fewer errors and assumptions.

First of all, I don't teach for a living. Secondly, I wanted to be a teacher. That was to be my contribution to society while I am still tied to home and hearth. (What happens when I am free is a different matter of course. Presumably I will be old, retired but still vital enough to contribute elsewhere other than the enclosed circle of family, friends and immediate society.) And I wrote this in an earlier entry, about a year and a half ago.

Thirdly, I am not white. I'm Chinese Singaporean with everything the denotation entails. This probably complicates the whole situation a little more than the "obvious stresses of being a white, heterosexual, educated and privileged individual". I don't deny the "heterosexual, educated and privileged" bit, but you must understand that privilege also implies "freedom" as well. I'm not free to throw away the duties and obligations I have as a daughter to pursue my own dreams, whims and fancies.

***

In answer to this, "I think you mean that you won't [to my criticism], and why should you? The world is full, unfortunately, of people like you, who have {in relative terms} vast personal resources at their disposal and choose only to indulge in whimsy and angst."

I hate criticism, but sometimes it is worth thinking about someone's opinions even if you hated them initially. And in any case, my resentment is spent. Any other attempt to refute or debate will just dilute Qwig's message, which I know is valid. I can't say if Qwig has wrought a change that wasn't already in the making, but he has made me think, re-read and reaffirm my own faith.

And yes, I promised myself never to be drawn into the three most incendiary topics known to mankind: race, religion and politics, except when it can be dismissed as the personal idiosyncrasies of an ignorant fool. I don't preach, nor do I intend to, being a flawed follower of a philosophy that has been interpreted by thousands far more learned than me. I can only struggle on and hope to achieve personal peace before going on to help others.

I do know two things. He has had a head start on me, being able to do compassionate work for the greater part of humanity. And two, our perspectives in life differ. He presumably sees the bigger picture, I still insist that to see the greater you have to begin with the smaller.