I now understand why some men who marry young wives quarrel a lot with their wives. I can understand why these women, married in their late teens or early twenties, stray or do not settle placidly into their married state. The singles scene differs greatly from the marriage state.

This is no judgment on either situation, just an observation that the ideal transition takes place when one has is glutted of the singles scene and then decides to explore the married state without much of a pang of loss for the previous position. And when one is still young, there is that passion for new unexplored regions. So while one hankers for long-term stability, one might find that youth is a mutable time and that personalities, and with it mind-sets, do change.

I am not married, but there is a fidelity clause when you enter a long-term relationship with someone. I was beginning to feel stifled from all those obligations when you have a boyfriend. Not to mention that I am in a long-distance relationship. The �attached� state was starting to pall on me with none of those little presents that come with it, the hugs, the kisses, the teasing, or just the physical presence of the other.

I suppose astute readers would have seen it coming. Yes. Someone signed my guestbook with the shrewd observation that despite being with someone, I was lonely. Perhaps he did not know I was in a long-term relationship, but yes, there is that underlying loneliness to my life at this moment, in addition to the sheer rapaciousness of youth.

It isn�t as if BF is dull or boring. Perhaps I have outgrown the current state of our relationship. Perhaps the relationship has stagnated and I am impatient to wait out a change, which seems, because of my fading youth, too long in coming. Perhaps I wish to succumb to the nebulous but trying longings of testing out new waters, so to speak. I just want to ensure that I am not making a mistake in BF. I just want to reaffirm that he is the One. I just do not want to end up like my mom, leg-shackled at too early an age and feeling the odd moment of regret.

This is not to say that my parents� marriage is not a happy one. I think it is one of the happiest that I have seen, despite all the black moments. However, my mom has in rare moments, articulate the wish, or implicitly taught her daughters, the notion of ensuring that one does not marry or get chained in a relationship unless one has seen enough of the world and gets sick of it.

"Sow your wild oats before settling down."

And unlike my phlegmatic mom, I have a more melancholic disposition. I know that regrets will strike me harder than her, and I am not sure that I will be able to withstand those blows.

So yes. BF will still be an important part of my life. This parting may be only temporary. It may, unfortunately last for quite a while, or forever. One never knows the future. I do love him. But I am not as secure in my convictions as I was before. I need to pull away and enjoy life and take the time out to work things through.

BF blames Panther for dropping the stone that became a boulder. I think the rot set in before that. He might be right. I could be wrong. However, this state of being single again has lasted for about a week, and it is painful to admit that I feel less stressed these days.

While I miss him, my daily life is still the same regular self. That is the subversive irony of a long distance relationship. One learns to be independent, perhaps too independent.

But I digress; I just do not feel as stifled these days as I was beginning to feel before. Perhaps I am really a cold-hearted statue. Perhaps. And perhaps over the coming days, I would miss my BF more than ever and decide that such a situation is not as desirable as I thought it was.

I will refer to BF as Captain Sarcasto or Captain for now, until we are back together again.