I was up in the lab doing work and on one of my breaks, I chatted with this guy about Cpt. Sarcasto's visit Down Under to see me. I forgot how we got to the point in the conversaion where I had to explain the origin of my entire relationship when I made that slip. I said, "I never thought of myself as that sort of girl."

That means I am a dumb idiot, who deep down inside, still subscribes to the biased binary of good woman versus bad woman (SPG), with an extra heavy dose of judgmental self-righteousness. Of course I know about the self-righteousness bit, but this is a betrayal of my own conscious beliefs.

Blah. I think I knew it all along and just never admitted it to myself. And I absolutely detest soul searching when I am this tired, because I never seem to get anywhere.

On the one hand, I really do believe in what I say, and am striving consciously to import these beliefs into my own internal subconscious workings. And after all, I suppose I must give credit for striving towards something like that.

On the other hand it is possible that those snide remarks made by Fatboy's gang and my mom's admonitions that "people won't laugh at you, in front of you, for being unable to get a Chinese BF" are getting to me. I remember quarrelling with her about this statement.

I hate to admit it, but sometimes life isn't fair and she makes sense. The "fact" that I am dating a sweet BF who happens to be white because "I can't get one of my own race" doesn't have to be true, but people will still insinuate and bitch about it. That is why life isn't fair. And I will constantly feel the lack in myself because I care too much about what others think.

And I still bristle when I hear the term "banana" being bandied about by ignorant people. Which is nonsensical because sometimes I think those comments are slanted towards me. And because after consideration, I am still too much a Chinese traditonalist where "face" is concerned. That isn't a good thing, or a bad thing. It just freaking is.

And I have spoken of this before. And I have a bad feeling that I held a different viewpoint then.

Sigh. I think I will go catch forty winks instead of babbling about something that goes round in cycles in my head.