Me! The person with the self doubt, the horrified adherence to rules and rules and rules to keep everything in order, the supercilious attitude and the overactive thought processes. Granted I was merely thinking of alleviating my loneliness, and did not actually proceed to undertake any course of action leading to said thought. I must confess a great deal of time was spent wailing to Jingle, earlier said person I must find nickname to represent, Lips and another guy that needs a nickname and even (argh!) Paladin.

Bah. I was lonely. That was my excuse. That and the sheer agony of watching the long thread of my life unwind without a concrete course of action or committment from the BF. Granted, my own deviations bespeak a certain lack of committment, but at least I sat down and began to think about what direction my life should take.

Panther was the catalyst of course. He urged me to think about my life. We are not getting any younger he said. Especially the sad fact that I am a girl with a shorter lifespan of the bloom of youth. A BF who hems and haws when asked about four years down the road. I can't afford to wait four years to see whether we would suit. I can't. Biological clock and all.

And yes, Panther was the other party of course. The end of the whole affair (note, the word is used not in the actual sense as in infidelity) is that he will be my second choice, and I will be his. If both our relationships fail, we will both get a chance to try what we never managed to in the last few years. Mis-timed events, unsynchronised infatuations, despite a sheer animal attraction. Lust.

Or romantic love?

Romantic love is when you wish to possess the other for your own selfish reasons. Sometimes romantic love dies a natural death or it changes to true love. That is my belief. True love means that you want the best for the other and you are willing to sacrifice certain things you hold very dear for the other. A selfless emotion. And through both, lust runs through like a shining silver thread in various degrees.

Panther was quite hurt when I spoke to him over the phone. I have been negligent in our friendship. I was infuriated at his loose tongue a couple of years back, and had forgotten all the sacrifices he made for me throughout the years. All those times I cried and he was helpless to do anything except listen to me run the course of my tears. All those times he sacrificed sleep when I needed a listening ear.

Whether we become lovers or we remain friends, I will be grateful for his company and comfort.

But that's not to say he's a perfect gentleman. He's not. He has several highly irritating habits that get on my nerves. Probably a good thing that I don't see him that often.

And I suppose I must be grateful to him for being the catalyst and creating a highly stressful period of my life. It accelerated the thinking I was already doing about the direction of my relationship with Cpt Sarcasto. After all, the relationship has to grow and not remain in a rut, no matter how pleasant.

While I like being a child and being adored by the BF, I have to grow up sometime. And now is as good a time as any.

The BF wasn't pleased of course, especially when I confessed that I was extremely tempted to throw it all away for some fleeting fancy, no matter how much I love him. I cannot subsist on just seeing the BF five weeks out of two years. Somehow, my sense of morality kicked in and held fast to my overweening lust. But how I was tempted by the golden taste of nectar, and how I was presumptuous!

Still, it made him aware of the complacent lull he had fallen into. It woke him up; my almost undertaken sojourn down the primrose path of dalliance. And yes, we have begun the process to establish the next step in our relationship, but I stress, for the moment.

And this little almost sojourn made me realise what I want for in a relationship. In a man. BF doesn't fit each and every point in my criteria, but he is bloody close to fulfilling all. Much closer than any other man in my acquaintance. Including Panther. However, I must add as a notation of interest, he does come in a close second. But both of them do not fit the exact same requirements or to the same degree in each similiar point. And BF is irreplaceable in my affections.

I hope the BF isn't terribly jealous after reading this. Or hurt. Or a number of myriad emotions that are not pleasant. I sometimes abhored the fact that I let him read this, because I never know when he gets mortified, or worse, hurt when he reads an entry. Sigh.

I have made my bed for the moment. And now I shall sleep in it. I hope it will be a restful one.

And the title reads "I am Eve, Adam's wife"