Blah.

I do dislike the direction in which I am changing towards. But as it is, I see no reason to turn back as yet. I can still live with myself, but it can be damnably hard. Of course, having sourced out the nuances of all my nastiness, I can try to change. I will try. I just hope my good intentions will not get lost among the milling problems of my day-to-day life.

Gosh, it is hard to be a human being. I guess I just realised it. No, wait. A decent human being.

But what can be attributed to a decent human being? Basic attributes like love, care and concern for your fellow man? Respect? Sure, we can all do it, one time or the other. But altrusically? Without an ulterior motive? To do so without feeling superior about ourselves? To truly aid someone without thought of some sort of reward? Take for instance, "Giving is far better than receiving." Why? Because we receive some gratitude. We feel good about ourselves. Hence we give rather than take.

And only a rare number of people can say with impunity that they can be truly decent to everyone. We can only be nice to some people; it will be damnably hard to be nice to everyone literally, without driving oneself insane. You will step on some toes, one way or another. You will crack sooner or later.

After all, can you honestly admit that you have never felt spite, envy, or jealousy at any one time in your life? We are not a cartoon character aka, Flanders from The Simpsons. I guess decency comes about when you do not act maliciously on those feelings. But if anyone sits and thinks about it, no matter how nice we are, we are not perfect. We all have our off-days. Maybe this is where the drive to forgive or understand comes in.

Which brings me to that nastiness this afternoon. I find it amusing that she probably thought the Beau and I broke up, and so decided to give me the cold shoulder and the arch look. How sad. The only reason she was ever polite to me was to get close to him. And here I thought it was my scintillating conversation and my dutiful attention to her.

How does my evil mind infer all of these? The Beau mentioned that she spoke to him for the first time in two and a half years. She didn't speak to him after he made it clear that he was disinterested in her, and felt uncomfortable being the target of her affections. And now that I think about it, she hardly spoke to me after that. Until the Beau started hanging around me and all.

Anyway, she bumped into him earlier before lunch, and in his words, "interrogated" him.

Bleah. And all this time I thought she was over her infatuation already, having gotten a new boyfriend and all. For about two years. I can't remember the time frame of everything. It just isn't terribly important.

I can't help feeling justified, and mayhaps a bit smug. See. I told you I am not a very nice person. A pity, I only realised it today. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I only remembered my realisation today. Ah yes. Extremely prone to jealousy and paranoia as well. Thought I should mention that.

Boy, I sure am bitchy today.

***

Ahh yes. The Beau and I have decided to give it another shot. It has been pretty pleasant, so far, and I hope it continues. I keep a clamp on my paranoia; and he has been more attentive. I just hope he laughs more as time goes by. And I lose the haunted look I have. Those wounds need a lot of time to heal.